TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically known for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely from put. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let us have A further place where by American Gentlemen can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: give Anyone a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide Trump Tower Damascus watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should quit working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Great tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from Area, a characteristic staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after getting the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Options


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends might ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting consideration from Global buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down services."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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